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Member Since: 10/23/2002

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Sunday, September 28, 2003

Here I am

Here I am

I am alive

no one will remember me

I want to smuggle little boys (who are consequently bigger than I am) into my basement forever.

I need to.

Airports make me lonely.

They're such a cuddle spot

I want someone I care about to walk through the terminal doors for the first time so I can pounce on them

and Bite their cheek

I should go to bed now

I feel predatory.


Friday, March 07, 2003

I am frustrated.

People need to keep their emotions in check when trying to convince me of something.

"I love you"
"I love you"
"whatshername and I are going out now/again"
"I love you"
"I want to be with you"

am I the only one in the world seeing something wrong with that?

Teenagers are impossible!

if they're not groping and molesting each other they're running around like maniacs winding strings to make themself feel better.

even if soandso "Loved" me in some kind of at least paternal way...what the hell? You'd think after awhile they'd understand that I don't want to put up with crap like that.

I have to move on but I'm so unbelievable attached.

This sucks.

...you left a stain on every one of my good days but I am stronger than you know, I have to let you go. no one's ever turned you over no one's tried to ever let you down...

cheesy, but I feel like it. Like the way I feel is some kind of sickness and not an evolving part of life. I'm afraid to call it Love. I guess I don't want it to be love because I always thought it would finish me not finish me in the sense that I'd be left completely drained and hopeless.

Sometimes it's not always like this though, sometimes it lifts me up, but most of the time I feel like I'm just left down and back burned. I am. I completely am. It's a waste of time. I have to move on. Move. Move. Move.

Out of all the things I've heard come from that mouth, the worst was:
"If I ever met someone like you I'd never let them go"
after that - there is no room for self esteem to build! And I need it to pack my ass up and walk away.

*sigh and hands in her subscription to be part of the Abused Wives of America club.*


Tuesday, March 04, 2003

 

Name // rawr
Age // 17
Sex // I don't have a penis
Birthday // february
Where do you live // new york
Zodiac Sign // aquarius
What school do you go to // twilight zone
What is your mascot // I think it's a boat
What are your school colors // red and white
Nicknames // pop lewsa.
What are your hobbies // music, computer, faeries, cats, bothering people, music. 
Hair color // was blonde, was dirty blonde, now it's just a dark blonde/brown and the bangs are red because I like to do stuff like that
Hair length // shortish *sigh* everything is short since I lost my hippie hair.
Eye color // blue grey
Height // 5'1ish
Have any pets // kitties!
What do you fear most in the world // dying - not death, just...dying - and being ill. And being alone. And being a failure. And...everything.
What do you regret the most // Writing in that diary and having my mother read it. It was bashing against her. I told her it wasn't how I really felt (because that was like a year ago that I wrote it) and..yeah. I felt so bad. I can't look at the diary anymore without wanting to cry.
have braces // Not anymore!
Do you have glasses // yes I do because my eyesight is teh suck
Are you good at school // define 'good' I brought my average up. A average bay-bay.

*Favorites*
Color // black silver purple
Teacher // Ms Weberrrrr. Or Mr Sherman.
Class // I like spanish for what we're doing now, I don't really like the class though...takes forever and a day. I suppose I like...History the best.
Day of the week // Fridays are nice.
Holiday // birthdays
Season // fall and spring
Month // yo no se 
Sport // I used to swim, but I am a fan of pingpong.
Movie // The 5th element, Hedwig and the Angry Inch, The Sky Is Falling
T.V. show // Scrubs
Drink // peach iced tea
Male singer // Daniel Johns
Female singer // Janis Ian, or Beth Muslow(?) from You're Pretty
Word // ayudame!
Brand of shoes // I dont really care but I'm wearing converses so woot to all starness
Radio station // 92.7 I don't know what it's called. Florida (Ft Lauderdale & Boca Raton) has the best classic rock station!
Room in your house // I like how mine looks but I hate cleaning it
Pizza Topping // mushrooms and onions.
State // New York or South Carolina
Song[s] // Nights in White Satin (Moody Blues) Sweet Child O Mine (GNR) Society's Child (Janis Ian) Drops of Jupiter (Train. haha, I'm a sucker, I admit) Slowly I go Walking (You're Pretty) After all these years (silverchair) The Calendar Hung Itself (bright eyes) and that's all I'm thinking of right now
Letter[s] // Z
Number[s] // 83954849056340
Cereal // Count Chocula

*This or That*
Red or Blue // red
Pretzels or Potato Chips // pretzels
Jeans or Khakis // jeans
Comedy or Drama // comedy
Computer or TV // computer
Gold or Silver // silver
Outgoing or Shy // I'll put shy because I'm disgustingly and awfully shy so I'll pretend I like it.
Tall or Short // short
Breakfast or Dinner // dinner
Day or Night // evening
Radio or Cd's // cds
Internet or Phone // internet
98 degrees or O town // nnnnnnnaaah
Happy or Sad // happy would be nice
Guy or Girl // hermaphrodite
Sexy or Cute // cute
Tough or Wimpy // wimpy :}
Strong or Weak // strong
Funny or Hilarious // Erm..
Summer or Winter // winter, just not a horribly cold negative 5 million degree one we've been having.
Love or Lust // love
Friends or Family // A good family is a group of great friends and vice versa
Car or Truck // golf cart
Dog or Cat // cat!
Inside or Outside // inside
Hurricane or Tornado // monsoon
Thunder or Lightning // you can't have one without the other
Rain or Snow // rain - downpours
Hail or Sleet // hail is greatness
Sunny or Cloudy // sunny
Loud or Quiet // quietly loud
Mcdonalds or Burger king // gag me
Coffee or Tea // tea
Coke or Pepsi // tea
Mr. Pibb or Dr. Pepper // what's mr pibb?
White chocolate or Normal chocolate // milk
Britney or Christina // nnnah
Chocolate or Vanilla // vanilla
Writing or Typing // typing

Cold or Hot // warm and chilly

Pen or Pencil // Pen

Candle or Incense // candle

Plain paper or Lined paper // lined

Blonde or Brunette // tiedye

Curly or Straight // wavy

Blanket or Sleeping bag // blanket

Shower or Bath // shower

Body wash or Soap // body wash

Perfume or Body spray // body spra, it's fresher

American Eagle or Abercrombie // expensive

Pocahontas or Mulan // No?

Pop Tarts or Toaster strudles // evil

MTV or VH1 // VH1

Shorts or Pants // pants

Tank tops or T-shirts // sweatshirt

Rich and dumb or Poor and smart // rich and dumb. haha. Nah, poor and smart, I'll act like I'm not as shallow of a person.

Markers or Colored pencils // colored pencils

Boxers or Briefs // boxers

Nike or Adidas // adidas

Mercedes or BMW // no

Army or Navy // no

Orange or Grape // grape as in grapes, not flavors

Lime or Lemon // lemon

Striped or Plaid // striped

Innie or Outie // innie

Hot tub or Sauna // sauna

Land or Water // island

Sneeze or Cough // sneezes feel nice

Skittles or M&M's // taste the rainbow

Truth or Dare // truth

Letterman or Leno // conan

SNL or mad tv // snl

*Love Life*

Do you have a crush // boo

Whats her name // sassy

How old are they // 98.6

How long have you liked him or her // a million bagillion years

If you could kiss anyone in the world, who would it be // someone who lives in Fiji

If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be // that's no fun

Do you prefer being the dumper or the dumpee // I feel bad hurting people so I'd rather be hurt; dumpee

Do you think there is a person for everyone // Sure

If yes, do you know who yours is // would be weird if I did

Do you believe in love at first sight // not entirely

Have you ever been in love // yes

Do you have a b/f or g/f // nah

What do you like about your crush or bf, gf // the fact they're them

When was your first kiss // kindergarten

Did u ever hookup with just a friend // no


*Past*

Last words you said // *thinks* I think 'scruffy'

Last song you sang // You are my sunshine

Last meal you ate // chicken and crackers

What did you hate most about school // the work

*Present*

What's in your CD player // Youthanasia (megadeth), the 4th Jaurim cd, and Beautiful Accident (You're Pretty)

What color sox are you wearing // white

What's under your bed // Junk

What's the weather like // cold

What time did you wake up today // 6:00


*Future*

Who do you want to marry // hmm...ricky is the only person I know now that I could see myself marrying

Are you going to college // with any luck

where // AHHH!!! don't scare me.

to study what // Only thing I definatly want to study is Sociology

What is your career going to be // *whimper* Did I mention I'm T E R R R R R R I F I E D of the future?

Where are you going to live // I want to stay in this area, but I'll probably move to NJ just for cheaper real estate

How many kids do you want // 0 - 2  

Kids names girls // Lily, Jane, and other ones I cant remember

Kids names boys // Kristopher, Erik, Jared

Where do you want your honeymoon // Don't care

*Have you ever

Been Drunk // I don't think so, but I'm one of those people that if I was drunk/high/whatever - I'd be more 'normal'

Skinny dipped // no

Stole // yes

Stayed up all night on the internet // yes

Been in a fist fight // no

Been in a cat fight // yes, haha, I pounced.

Wanted to kill someone // not kill, that's too nice  

Fell off a chair // yes

*Other*

Do you like your handwriting // I don't care anymore

Which superhero would you be // cat woman. haw

Do you have any piercings // yes

Any tattoos // getting an Ankh on my hip and various small stars on my back (with space inbetween, like freckles)

Are you picky // I tend to be

What makes you cry // everything

What makes you mad // everything

Do you like cartoons // of course

Do you believe in heaven // bah

Do you believe in God // bah

Do you think there is a hell // bah

Do you believe in the devil // Yes, and she lives in Ohio

When you get mad, do you swear a lot // I swear a lot when I'm hurt, when I'm mad I growl

Do you have a magic 8 ball // somewhere. yes

Ever worn black nail polish // yes

Do you have your own tv and vcr // no

Do you believe in fate // yes..well, in the sense of kindred spirits and such

Do you see dead people // How do you know if you don't see dead people?

Are you a good speller // not usually

Do you ever steal anything from hotels // yes! that's all they're good for - free stuff.

What is your name backwards // Ear.

Do you want to be the first person on the sun when you grow up // sure

*What Do These Words Make You Think Of*

Rainbow // color

Frog // green

Carol // Mrs Carol

Star // no star

Ticket // cricket


*This or That*

Florida or California // I havent been to Cali so let's say that

Sprite or 7-UP // sprite

Mountains or the Beach // mountains

AIM or MSN Messenger // AIM, MSN sucks

Geography or Math // geography, math sucks

Private schools or Public schools // public

Email or Phone // instant messages, hell, I'm always on, it works.

Baseball or Basketball // basketball

quiet people or outgoing people // people who are both

Sun or Moon // moon

Christmas or Your Birthday // other people's birthdays

Blue or Purple // both!

Gelly Roll pens or Milky Pens // aren't they the same thing?

Gap or Aeropostale // no thanks

Bath & Body Works or The Body Shop // no thanks

Flirting or a good conversation // good conversation

scariest: tornado, hurricane, or earthquake // earthquake

Middle School or High School // high school, middle school is so retarded

Wavy/curly hair or Straight hair // wavy and not curly hair

Blue, green, or Brown eyes //  violet eyes

Nintendo 64 or Playstation2 // ps2

Guinea Pigs or Hamsters // hamsters

Hawaii or the Bahamas // nah


Monday, January 20, 2003

Oh sigh.

This is stupid, why am I so unhappy with my life? I don't understand it at all. I feel fine until I'm faced with someone else and all my faults and insecurities pour out disgustingly infront of me. Then once they walk away I'm stuck holding the mush of my self-esteem and I just don't want to deal with it, to be honest. I don't want to deal with the fact that I think I suck so much anymore. It was okay and decent, something I could put up with for a long time but now I just want to be something I want to be.

I can be so angsty sometimes, isn't it disgusting?

I guess I just need some companionship - someone who's there all the time, physically there, to reassure me and help me work over my stupidity. But I doubt that even if I got that person, that I'd be able to handle it. I can't even handle it when people take a slight interest in me, I literally run away.

I want to pack into an automobile and just drive away and leave everything behind. I think it would be good for me once I get to start everything over...where no one knows who I am so I can be anyone I want to be. Maybe that'll make me content with myself.

It's at the point now that I'm not even sure what I am...
I know what I want to be like, but if I can't be that when I have the support of people behind me; what makes me think I could be that on my own?

There are days when I'll look back on something I did the day before and not recognize it as something that came out of me. It makes me wonder if I have some mild multipersonality disorder. Hehe.

Sigh, angst..I don't need it anymore.

One thing I know I want, I want a talent. I want to be able to do something out of the ordinary for myself. I want to be able to express the beauty I see in tiny little details so that everyone knows it's there, not that it might possibly be there if you had the right set of eyes or ears.
I don't have a talent anymore. Everyone grew up but I'm still 8 years old. I'm just here without any purpose, direction, or cause.

That bothers me.


Tuesday, January 14, 2003

I've recently realized why I lay on the floor when I'm upset.

I think it's some need that's rooted inside of me to be alone when I'm miserable and in a way, lying on the floor doesn't allow for much "hugging space" from other people plus, it allows me to rot in my angst by thinking myself punished.

Physically, when I get so distraught, I usually can't function without the occasional falling over or dizzyness that usually comes with the stress.

But -

On a more positive note, it could be something I do to make myself more optimistic. Like every time I fall emotionally, I've hit rock bottom for that situation which means there's only room for standing again; leaving my standing up from the floor as some kind of physical triumph over an emotional antagonist - By me standing up and walking away, it leaves the situation on that tiled/carpetted floor and I can proceed on from it.

Hurrah!



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